Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hummingbird by Kris Delmhorst

Below are the lyrics and a video of her singing Hummingbird(poorly made but the only one I could find). If you have a myspace account, you can find the song on either my page or in her site, just do a music search on Kris Delmhorst. Her website for anyone interested in listening to more stuff or buy her music is: http://www.krisdelmhorst.com/

Enjoy!
~b



Hummingbird by Kris Delmhorst

Here in the dark, I won’t even make a spark.
You’re the only one who’s never seen
The way I can light up in shades of gold and green.
I’m just a little firefly, I want to shine for you but I’m too shy,
So when you come around I hide my light.
But when you go away I shine for you all night.

Out there in the sun, I’d open up for anyone.
You’re the only one who closes me
Because I want to be the brightest thing you’ve ever seen.
I’m just a little dandelion, I want to blossom but I’m scared of trying,
So I hide my head when you come into the room.
But when you go away I come right into bloom.

And I can’t look down, I’m way too high,
And I can’t look up, into your eyes.

Well I never was afraid to sing out loud, in front of anybody, any crowd.
You, you make me lose my nerve
Feel like something more than I could ever deserve.
I’m just a little hummingbird, I want to sing but I can’t find the words,
So when you come around I just go still
But after you move on, when I know you’re gone,
Then I sing for you the way I always will

Relationships, boys, and finally meeting my husband :)

Right now, I'm listening to my Myspace music playlist. There are a lot of good songs on there, most by non-mainstream artists. My favorite song on there so far is Hummingbird by Kris Delmhorst.
It's about a person who secretly loves another but is too shy to show it or act themselves around that person. It reminds me of being in school and having a crush on a guy but being too afraid to tell him how you feel.

Once upon a time...
There was this guy when I was in high school, in my church youth group, who was a buddy of mine. I had had a crush on him for 4 years, but was too afraid to say anything to him. 4 years of not ever saying anything that would give away my true feelings about him. 4 years of just acting like his buddy. It finally got to the point where my youth pastor and my youth group friends threatened to tell him I liked him if I didn't say anything soon. But I came from the belief that the guy is to make the first move, not the girl. So I just went on playing the role of his buddy, while secretly wishing he'd ask me out.
My best friend and I used to dissect every little conversation, glance, and interaction he'd have with me to try and figure out if he liked me for more than a friend. OY! Young love... It seems so silly when I think back about it. :)

Finally, during a youth over-nighter event of laser tag, air hockey, basketball, video games, and pool, I was faced with an ultimatum: Tell R. or else one of my friends or youth pastor was going to spill the beans. I think I was just over 16 at the time and was old enough to date according to my parents rules.
But I couldn't tell him. I was too shy to say anything and too afraid b/c I didn't want to get my heart broken. It was safer for me to admire him from a distance than it was for me actually admit it. So I said nothing.

My best friend's boyfriend finally spilt the beans to R. when they were alone and R. didn't believe him! When J told R that I had had a crush on him he wouldn't believe it and especially when he told him I had liked R for 4 years. After that it was awkward, unfortunately. R had been dating someone else at the time when he found out I liked him and didn't really talk to me the rest of the night. It was agonizing for me. I didn't know what he was thinking and I was afraid of losing my friend. I don't remember if we ever talked about that night again. I don't think we did. But we did eventually return to being just friends.
I think part of the reason our friendship lasted was by that by that summer I'd given up trying to have a boyfriend. I had other things I wanted to pursue in my life and trying to find and attain a boyfriend took up too much energy. Besides, right after I turned 17 my family ended up moving to the other side of the state, hours away from R and my friends. So I had to start all over again.

It was so bizarre. I went from always feeling like the ugly duckling at my old school (where my classmates and I had been in the same classes together from Kindergarten on up) to being the "new girl" at a high school who's population was more than double the population of my old high school.

I had a lot of guy friends almost instantly. I'm pretty sure that was only b/c they knew upfront that absolutely NOTHING romantic would happen b/n me and them b/c I had sworn off dating. :) I was "safe" like Switzerland and we could just be ourselves with each other. There was no high school against or teenage drama. I wasn't going to waste my time with it. :)
SO...
When I met my husband (before he was my husband, of course) I wasn't too shy to act like myself around him. We met at church and he went to a different high school than me. I had made it very clear to him, that I ONLY wanted to be his friend, so don't even think about trying to date me.
Well obviously that didn't last. :) As I got to know him, I realized that he was it. He was the first guy that I had actually struggled to try to maintain the "no dating" rule with. I would have dreams that we were dating or married. I couldn't get him out of my head.

When I finally came to the realization that I couldn't dismiss C as just another guy friend, I all the sudden became self conscious. We were dating with the intention that someday it could lead to marriage. But I was too shy to sing around him, or touch him/stand too close to him, and be TOTALLY crazy and goofy around him (like I had been when we were just buddies). I didn't want to lose him or turn him off by doing something stupid.

The self consciousness Kris Delmhorst sings about in Hummingbird had come full circle for me.

I had started out as:
a young, self conscious, lowered self esteem girl with a crush on a guy
To a:
"No one can stop me", "I don't need a relationship to make me someone", high self esteem young woman
Back to a:
self conscious, "I don't want to look like a fool and lose him" girl
So I guess in a way I was like the singer in Hummingbird. Don't worry though, I did grow out of it. :)
Almost 7 years after we had first gone to a youth event together as friends, Chris, my best guy friend, and I got married. I love him so much and am amazed at the way God has blessed my life by giving him to me. :)

So what happened to R you may ask?
Well, we kept in touch, occasionally, after I had moved. One time, not too long after Chris and I had started hanging out, but before we started dating, I went back to the other side of the state to visit R and some of our friends from youth group. My best girl friend and her boyfriend at the time, (J (the one who spilled the beans to R about me liking him)) and R and I went out to eat. We had fun but, I realized that I didn't really feel the same way about R that I had almost 2 years prior. In fact, I couldn't stop thinking about Chris that whole time. (Sorry R.)
After that my grandparents told me that he had gotten married a year or so before Chris and I did to a nice girl I think he'd met at college. I haven't really heard from or seen him since I graduated from high school. I found him on myspace but it's an inactive account. I hope he's happy, though and I wish the best for him and his wife.

The obligatory intro

Hello all. So I've started another blog...yet again. *sigh* I just got tired of posting things to Myspace, Facebook, and other sites. So here is your one stop to find out all about me. I promise that I will keep this more current than my blog about Suzy.

Just a real quick bio. I was born, lived in a few places, finally settled down (for now) got married in '05 to my best friend, Chris. We live in a house that the bank still owns (for now) and have a newf mix named Suzy. She also has a blog but I don't update it much b/c of time and picture upload issues. We don't have any kids (yet).

I come from a musically talented family and growing up, the radio, cds, tapes, or records were always playing at our house. I've been told that I have a good singing voice, but all the women in my immediate family have unique, beautiful singing voices (among other musical talents). I think it was all passed down from my mom's side of the family. Sorry dad. ;)
I love all different kinds of music but I'd have to say my favorite genre of music is folk.
I love finding and listening to songs that deal with what I'm going through now or relate to something that happened to me in the past. It's like the artist climbed in my head, looked at my memory files and wrote a song about them. Creepy, but beautiful.
So these posts will be about my life, my history, thoughts, goings on, etc. I'll try to include a song, lyrics, or music video that is applicable to the post. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the music. ;-D

~b