My story: It's taken a while, but it needs to be told...

These are my new favorite musicians. As you read what I wrote below, I hope you will give this playlist a listen. Because this music is absolutely beautiful and reflects my heart. :)




Over 3 years ago my husband and I decided to try and expand our family. I went to my ob/gyn and was given a clean bill of health. So we tried. Months went by with nothing. I went and had Reiki treatments. We were eating healthy. But still, nothing.

As it came closer to the one year mark I started getting more concerned. I switched doctors. The new doctor I started seeing was a little more proactive. She had me go through blood tests and an ultrasound, my husband got tested. We started the second year with anticipation and stress, only to be told what I was told when we first started trying. “You’re both healthy. There’s no reason why you two shouldn’t be able to get pregnant. Just relax. It will be okay.”

But I couldn’t relax. I was frustrated because I knew I couldn’t relax and I knew that it was only making things worse. I couldn’t understand why when all my life I had always seen myself as a mommy, God hadn’t given us a child. We were praying, our friends were praying, but nothing. I felt like I wasn’t getting any answers to all the questions I had in my heart. My broken heart and unhappiness lead me to resent things in my life.

I started to place blame on my job being the reason why I couldn’t get pregnant and thought that if only I could quit and go someplace else or stay home, then I’d be less stressed and I’d be able to get pregnant. I stopped liking our home. It was too small to raise a family in and thought that if we could find a bigger house then maybe my infertility block would leave and we could finally raise kids and in a bigger and better house.

The stress I felt over this and the lies allowed myself to believe lead me to spiral down even more. I was beginning to become depressed and I didn’t even know it. I was fighting with God and my husband and trying to hide it from our families. I found comfort in other peoples’ listening ears and comforting words. I sought it out. I came home from work every day crying. I wanted to run away; from everything.

I thought if I could just run away then all this would stop and I’d start feeling better again, more like myself. In one year’s time I had used up over 194 hours of vacation time, almost 5 weeks. I was desperate and looking in all the wrong places for my comfort.

I knew that somehow, if I didn’t put an end to this and get some help soon, I was going to lose everything I held dear to me. So I tried to get help. And then I ran away again.

This time I went to Maine under the guise of visiting my extended family and being there for my uncle’s retirement party. They didn’t know what was going on in my life and since they live out in the boonies, I thought I could go there and just get away from everything for a while.

On the way there I was stuck in a traffic jam for over an hour. While I sat there, quietly, waiting for the traffic and trying to be a big girl about everything, since this was the first time I’d ever driven this far away by myself, my mind started to go into overdrive. As I tried to sort out and rationalize my feelings and actions, I called up my dad. We talked that whole time I was stuck in traffic. While I don’t really remember everything he said, what he said got me thinking and realizing that I wasn’t following God at that moment, no matter how much I tried to rationalize my actions.

I got to Maine okay and the next day I went to my uncle’s retirement party. While I was there I got to talking to some friends of my father’s.
They didn’t know what was going on in my life, but what one said to me broke down the wall I had built around my heart. One friend works in the public school system. We talked about how people today can be so disrespectful and how difficult it is working in that kind of an environment. This friend said that not long ago she was coming home every day after work crying because of it. (“Hey that’s what I’ve been doing too!” I thought.) And her husband told her that she could quit if it was going to be this bad for her. He didn’t want to see her hurting so much.

“But,” she said, “I realized I couldn’t quit.”
“Why not!?” I asked.
“Because, God put me in this position for a reason. I may be the only care or love these kids see all day. I need to be there.”

Wow. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I was so focused on “me, me me” that I couldn’t see past the nose on my own face. I had missed out on so much life because of that!

After that party, I did a lot of praying and asking for forgiveness from God and my husband. I opened up more to my mom and dad about what had been happening and I told them about my conversation with their friend. They prayed for me and I spent the rest of the week with God, my Grammie, and my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I tried to get my focus back to where it should be, off myself and back to my Abba Father. It was a humbling trip but when I went back home I knew I’d still have a long road to travel through before I could feel like myself again.

I mended relationships and got more serious about my job. It took a whole year plus before I started to feel and act more like myself again. But God did some wonderful stuff during that year.

In April we found out about a beautiful house that was going up for auction in an expensive part of the neighborhood. At its appraised price my husband and I knew that we would never be able to afford the house payments and taxes. Plus it’s a really big house, more than we needed. But we thought “Hey, it’s an auction. We can’t offer up much but we could give it a try. What could it hurt?” (The person with the winning bid has to be able to pay the full bid amount to the auction company within 30 days.)
Auction day came and we were outbid. We didn’t get the house. But my response to not getting it was a complete 180 from what it would have been just 6 months before. It surprised my dad and my husband. :) I was happy for the people who got the high bid and prayed for them. I also thanked God for giving us this opportunity to put a bid in and show us that this isn’t the house he wants us to have right now. It wasn’t a passive aggressive response to not winning the bid. I was genuinely happy for the other family and content with God’s answer of “No” for us.

Time moved on and occasionally I would think about the house, but life continued to move forward. Then in June we got a call from the auction company. The original high bidders couldn’t pay the full house amount within the 30 day requirement. They lost the house. The bank wanted the auction company to reopen the bidding but only through telephone and only for the people who had registered that day to bid.

We were shocked. It was a lot to take in and we knew we had to pray about it. So we did and we decided to resubmit our bid. When the bidding finished, we were the high bidder. The bank accepted our bid, even though it was so low, and we were able secure a loan within the 30 days to pay the auction company. It was a crazy whirlwind of paperwork, phone calls, prayers, nervousness, wondering what we had gotten ourselves into, etc. But God had it all in control. Everything was signed, sealed and delivered on time. Soon we had the keys.

Most of you know the rest of the story. There was a lot of re-plumbing, a partial roof replacement and basement scrubbing that had to be done first. But we were able to move in within a month.

We’ve been so blessed by all God has done for us this last year. He showed me that despite all the ways I had sinned against Him, He still loves me, He forgave me, and He will still continue to bless me and my family. I don’t deserve what I’ve been given at all. It only happened (and is happening) because of His grace.

So over three years has passed since our first decision to try to add to our family. We don’t have any kids yet. We DO really want to have children and we’re praying for His guidance in this. I’m encouraged even more because I know that so many others out there are praying for us too. My attitude has gotten so much better and my relationship with my husband and God has gotten deeper and closer than I could have ever imagined. I don’t know what all this year will bring. I feel like a new person and more like myself all at once. I know that God isn’t done with me yet.

I pray that through my story and experiences that I’ve shared, it will help others. My dad said a while back, in one of his sermons, “Life is difficult; misery is optional.”

Remember, although the world may look very dark to you right now, there is a Father in Heaven who loves you and hurts for you. Seek help through a trusted family member, friend, pastor, or counselor and turn your focus off of you and back to Him. It won’t be easy and Satan will try to remind you of all your shortcomings and failures, but keep your focus on Him. It’s the only way to get out of the muck and mire.

Verse to leave you with:
This came to me one day while sitting outside feeling overwhelmed with the plumbing issues in the new house.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13