Sunday, January 30, 2011

My story: It's taken a while, but it needs to be told...

These are my new favorite musicians. As you read what I wrote below, I hope you will give this playlist a listen. Because this music is absolutely beautiful and reflects my heart. :)




Over 3 years ago my husband and I decided to try and expand our family. I went to my ob/gyn and was given a clean bill of health. So we tried. Months went by with nothing. I went and had Reiki treatments. We were eating healthy. But still, nothing.

As it came closer to the one year mark I started getting more concerned. I switched doctors. The new doctor I started seeing was a little more proactive. She had me go through blood tests and an ultrasound, my husband got tested. We started the second year with anticipation and stress, only to be told what I was told when we first started trying. “You’re both healthy. There’s no reason why you two shouldn’t be able to get pregnant. Just relax. It will be okay.”

But I couldn’t relax. I was frustrated because I knew I couldn’t relax and I knew that it was only making things worse. I couldn’t understand why when all my life I had always seen myself as a mommy, God hadn’t given us a child. We were praying, our friends were praying, but nothing. I felt like I wasn’t getting any answers to all the questions I had in my heart. My broken heart and unhappiness lead me to resent things in my life.

I started to place blame on my job being the reason why I couldn’t get pregnant and thought that if only I could quit and go someplace else or stay home, then I’d be less stressed and I’d be able to get pregnant. I stopped liking our home. It was too small to raise a family in and thought that if we could find a bigger house then maybe my infertility block would leave and we could finally raise kids and in a bigger and better house.

The stress I felt over this and the lies allowed myself to believe lead me to spiral down even more. I was beginning to become depressed and I didn’t even know it. I was fighting with God and my husband and trying to hide it from our families. I found comfort in other peoples’ listening ears and comforting words. I sought it out. I came home from work every day crying. I wanted to run away; from everything.

I thought if I could just run away then all this would stop and I’d start feeling better again, more like myself. In one year’s time I had used up over 194 hours of vacation time, almost 5 weeks. I was desperate and looking in all the wrong places for my comfort.

I knew that somehow, if I didn’t put an end to this and get some help soon, I was going to lose everything I held dear to me. So I tried to get help. And then I ran away again.

This time I went to Maine under the guise of visiting my extended family and being there for my uncle’s retirement party. They didn’t know what was going on in my life and since they live out in the boonies, I thought I could go there and just get away from everything for a while.

On the way there I was stuck in a traffic jam for over an hour. While I sat there, quietly, waiting for the traffic and trying to be a big girl about everything, since this was the first time I’d ever driven this far away by myself, my mind started to go into overdrive. As I tried to sort out and rationalize my feelings and actions, I called up my dad. We talked that whole time I was stuck in traffic. While I don’t really remember everything he said, what he said got me thinking and realizing that I wasn’t following God at that moment, no matter how much I tried to rationalize my actions.

I got to Maine okay and the next day I went to my uncle’s retirement party. While I was there I got to talking to some friends of my father’s.
They didn’t know what was going on in my life, but what one said to me broke down the wall I had built around my heart. One friend works in the public school system. We talked about how people today can be so disrespectful and how difficult it is working in that kind of an environment. This friend said that not long ago she was coming home every day after work crying because of it. (“Hey that’s what I’ve been doing too!” I thought.) And her husband told her that she could quit if it was going to be this bad for her. He didn’t want to see her hurting so much.

“But,” she said, “I realized I couldn’t quit.”
“Why not!?” I asked.
“Because, God put me in this position for a reason. I may be the only care or love these kids see all day. I need to be there.”

Wow. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I was so focused on “me, me me” that I couldn’t see past the nose on my own face. I had missed out on so much life because of that!

After that party, I did a lot of praying and asking for forgiveness from God and my husband. I opened up more to my mom and dad about what had been happening and I told them about my conversation with their friend. They prayed for me and I spent the rest of the week with God, my Grammie, and my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I tried to get my focus back to where it should be, off myself and back to my Abba Father. It was a humbling trip but when I went back home I knew I’d still have a long road to travel through before I could feel like myself again.

I mended relationships and got more serious about my job. It took a whole year plus before I started to feel and act more like myself again. But God did some wonderful stuff during that year.

In April we found out about a beautiful house that was going up for auction in an expensive part of the neighborhood. At its appraised price my husband and I knew that we would never be able to afford the house payments and taxes. Plus it’s a really big house, more than we needed. But we thought “Hey, it’s an auction. We can’t offer up much but we could give it a try. What could it hurt?” (The person with the winning bid has to be able to pay the full bid amount to the auction company within 30 days.)
Auction day came and we were outbid. We didn’t get the house. But my response to not getting it was a complete 180 from what it would have been just 6 months before. It surprised my dad and my husband. :) I was happy for the people who got the high bid and prayed for them. I also thanked God for giving us this opportunity to put a bid in and show us that this isn’t the house he wants us to have right now. It wasn’t a passive aggressive response to not winning the bid. I was genuinely happy for the other family and content with God’s answer of “No” for us.

Time moved on and occasionally I would think about the house, but life continued to move forward. Then in June we got a call from the auction company. The original high bidders couldn’t pay the full house amount within the 30 day requirement. They lost the house. The bank wanted the auction company to reopen the bidding but only through telephone and only for the people who had registered that day to bid.

We were shocked. It was a lot to take in and we knew we had to pray about it. So we did and we decided to resubmit our bid. When the bidding finished, we were the high bidder. The bank accepted our bid, even though it was so low, and we were able secure a loan within the 30 days to pay the auction company. It was a crazy whirlwind of paperwork, phone calls, prayers, nervousness, wondering what we had gotten ourselves into, etc. But God had it all in control. Everything was signed, sealed and delivered on time. Soon we had the keys.

Most of you know the rest of the story. There was a lot of re-plumbing, a partial roof replacement and basement scrubbing that had to be done first. But we were able to move in within a month.

We’ve been so blessed by all God has done for us this last year. He showed me that despite all the ways I had sinned against Him, He still loves me, He forgave me, and He will still continue to bless me and my family. I don’t deserve what I’ve been given at all. It only happened (and is happening) because of His grace.

So over three years has passed since our first decision to try to add to our family. We don’t have any kids yet. We DO really want to have children and we’re praying for His guidance in this. I’m encouraged even more because I know that so many others out there are praying for us too. My attitude has gotten so much better and my relationship with my husband and God has gotten deeper and closer than I could have ever imagined. I don’t know what all this year will bring. I feel like a new person and more like myself all at once. I know that God isn’t done with me yet.

I pray that through my story and experiences that I’ve shared, it will help others. My dad said a while back, in one of his sermons, “Life is difficult; misery is optional.”

Remember, although the world may look very dark to you right now, there is a Father in Heaven who loves you and hurts for you. Seek help through a trusted family member, friend, pastor, or counselor and turn your focus off of you and back to Him. It won’t be easy and Satan will try to remind you of all your shortcomings and failures, but keep your focus on Him. It’s the only way to get out of the muck and mire.

Verse to leave you with:
This came to me one day while sitting outside feeling overwhelmed with the plumbing issues in the new house.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

1 year ago

It's been 1 year since Jack, a dear friend of mine and my family's, passed away. It's amazing how fast time flies and yet at the same time feels like it doesn't move at all. Just these past 2 weeks, the church family buried 2 other dear friends. When I think of the many friends and kind loving people that I've had to say goodbye to in my lifetime, it can really get me down. BUT, I know that there will come a day when I will be able to see them again and I eagerly await that time.
Lord, use me here to be a witness to others of Your grace and forgiveness. Give me the patience and strength to get through the difficult and sad days when I think of others who have gone on before me. And please give me the wisdom and right words to say so that I may be able to lead others to You and Your saving grace. So that one day, we may all rejoice in Heaven together. Amen.

In honor and memory of Jack, I'm going to listen to Hawaiian music today.

"Because you'll never find, another, Hawaiian like me..." :)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Living Testament

Saw this on Patsy Clairmont's Facebook page. It's one of my favorite songs performed by Fernando Ortega and so appropriate to be played as a tribute to Ruth Bell Graham. Beautiful.



Wow Lord. What a testament.
The deep desire of my heart is to be a living example of Your love, forgiveness, and grace. Also to be a best friend, lover, a Christian wife and partner to my husband.
When I watched this video, and saw how Billy looked at his wife, and heard people's testimony about her life and walk with You... Wow! I want some of that! How amazing and beautiful. It showed me even more how important it is to put You first and trust in You to take care of my needs so that I can service others.
But so many times I feel like I fall short. It is so easy to let the things of this world seep into my life, my actions, and our home. Please don't let me get bogged down in that again. Protect my heart and my husband's and this home.
Thank you for being a loving God and Father. Please continue to guide me and show me areas that I need to change.
And...
Although I will probably never be as well known as Ruth Bell Graham was, I hope that when You call me home to Heaven, that somehow, somewhere, my life will have been a living testament to someone who needed to hear about Your love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I want my life to reflect, to others, the love and respect I have for You first, my husband second, and my family third.
Just give me Jesus. :)
Thank you, Lord.

Your child,
Bethany

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

SAVE OHIO LIBRARIES!

Dear Governor Strickland,
I would like to share how saddened and disappointed I am by hearing of the drastic budget cuts you are planning for the Ohio public library system. Public libraries are the back bone of a community.
With the way the economy has been, public libraries are a necessity in that they provide the unemployed (or soon to be unemployed) the ability to job hunt, prepare their resumes and vitaes, and ready themselves for job interviews all through their FREE OF CHARGE internet and book loan services. People who are having a tough time financially can still help meet their children’s needs by: enrolling them in many of the free children's programs libraries offer, bringing home books (free of charge) and read to their children, bringing their children in to use the internet and many of the educational websites on there (like PBS.org). The public library system also provides children and teens with a safe and engaging environment for them to go to and learn while keeping them off the streets.
Also by cutting library funding, you will be hurting the public school system. We all know that the educational budget is tight and financially strapped. Public schools (and home schoolers) rely on the public libraries in their community to assist students in their research needs where the school cannot. If the public library is forced to close because the funding isn’t there, then Ohio’s educational system will suffer. Students research needs won’t be meant. Ohio’s graduating students would be at a higher disadvantage educationally in the job field and when enrolling in other colleges and universities than other students graduating from another state where public libraries are not in such dire financial crisis. Cut library funding and I can GUARANTEE you: many libraries will be forced to close, school assessment/proficiency scores will be down significantly state-wide, unemployment rates will be even higher, crime rates will also raise because, in many communities, students will no longer have a safe place to go to that keeps them off the streets.
Please rethink this proposal. When I was a child and growing up, my parents knew how important the public library was in supplementing our learning (especially during the summer months) and growing. It is because of their enrolling me in the public library’s programs and frequent library visits as a young child, that I am in the position I am today at the Kent State University Ashtabula Campus Library. Cut the budget as bad as you are proposing and not only will affect the libraries and staff, but you will also affect the communities around the state and our future, the children.

Sincerely,
Bethany

Friday, April 17, 2009

Many the Miles

Okay so I'm a huge fan of Sara Bareilles and her music. One of my favorite songs of hers is a song called Many the Miles and I always wanted to know why and what inspired her to write this song. Today I read her myspace blog and found out what her inspiration was and I thought I should share it with you all.
Sara writes:

So I wrote this song as a reminder to myself to keep going in search of love and truth and light and it remains to be and ideal I love to stay connected to.
I suck at it a lot of the time actually, to be honest. I get bitchy, and bored, and irritable, and uninspired and I spend a lot of energy on what i don't like about myself. But at the end of a good day I can take solace in the fact that I am someone who truly wants to be peaceful. Who knows I have the capacity to be truly happy. Not every moment of everyday... but sometimes, and if I'm really committed... a lot of the time.
I don't want to settle for less.
And i wish that for every single one of you. That when you look at your life you gravitate towards what feeds your soul and the people that make you feel inspired and content and beautiful (on the inside, silly). That you give yourself permission to be flawed and imperfect and "lesser than". Know that we all are. I promise. We just don't like to admit it.

So that's my rant for today.
As I cross the miles to get to our destination, I want to send you all little boxes of light that make you feel courageous and perfect. Just in being who you are.
So there.

xoxo
sara


Thank you Sara for that reminder. :) I really needed to read that after this week. :) You can check out the full post and her other blog posts on her myspace blog page at http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=15637801&blogID=483526660

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I dreamed a dream

This just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover or a person by how they look. Watch the whole video and prepare to get goosebumps (the good kind). Good job Susan Boyle!!!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Happy Sunny Day

So today has been sunny and warmer than the previous week. All in all a pretty good day. :) I've also been sleeping better since the hubby and I have rearranged some things upstairs. The bedroom looks more open and inviting instead of cluttered and chaotic.
Work wasn't too bad today and it's ending on a really good note. :) So I'm smiling right now and totally enjoying it. :D How's your day been?


(This was the only Morning Song by Priscilla Ahn I could find on YouTube!)


morning
sunrise
open my eyes

and i can tell it's gonna be a good day
i can tell it's gonna be a good day

did you sleep well?
did you dream at all?
can you tell me the time?
on the alarm clock

i can tell it's gonna be a good day
i can tell it's gonna be a good day

but you can sleep in
you just keep dreamin
for us

i can tell it's gonna be a good day
i can tell it's gonna be a good day

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Armani and Crabs

So this morning has been a fun morning, all because of my twitter and facebook status. It says: Yesterday I was intoxicated by Armani & now I've given Tom crabs. Since Tom has crabs, now Jen has crabs too. What is this world coming to?
:D It sounds dirty but it is a true statement. :)
Although the crabs I'm talking about are horseshoe crab shells I found on the beach while in Florida that I gave to my friends b/c Tom had asked for one. I really was almost intoxicated by Armani (cologne) yesterday. But I didn't mind b/c it's good smelling stuff. :)
Now that you know the story it doesn't seem so dirty. BUT...
If I randomly went up to you and told you that I had been intoxicated by Armani and given 2 of my friends crabs you probably would've looked at me funny and run the other way. :)
So I guess you could say to me that today I'm toxic? Well... maybe not. :) But the song has popped into my head (I think it's mostly b/c of this mornings "events") and so I'm going to post it on here. :) Unfortunately, I can't find an embeddable version of the official music video on YouTube so I'm leaving you with a one that just has the lyrics. :(
Hope your day is as sun shiny and crab free as mine! :)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

A prayer for peace, strenghth and wisdom borrowed from King David

I'm trying not to be frustrated but I am. Where do you want me Lord? Why do you put these desires/wishes in my heart? What am I supposed to do? When will they be fulfilled? I feel like I'm constantly fighting for my sanity. I want peace. Please protect me, show me, hold me up.

Psalm 143:3-12

3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.



FALLING
by Kate Rusby

Ya hear me shout when no one's about,
You find me where I can't be seen.
I feel the air flowing for life's in full swing,
So tell me why I cannot breathe.

And here I am falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I'm standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren't for your wings I'd be gone.

Time moves on and time won't be long,
In time I will fear not the day.
I'm endlessly knowing that you'll never know
What I might want you to say.

And here I am falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I'm standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren't for your wings I'd be gone.

My back it aches, my body it breaks;
To grow my own wings I have tried.
And painless I came no aim must remain,
Alone and adrift on the tide

But here I'm still falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I'm standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren't for your wings I'd be gone.

And here I'm still falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I'm standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren't for your wings
If it weren't for your wings I'd be gone

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Trading my sorrows

So I've been going through some things in my life recently that have been a challenge for me. My attempts at remaining positive through all of this has resulted in mostly fails. (I swear I'm not emo. I promise. Even though these blogs would lead you to think I was, I'm not.) So I'm trying to maintain a more positive attitude when life isn't going my way (which this year seems to be about 90% of the time).
Right now I'm at that point. I can either fret and worry and get upset, OR... I can put a smile on my face and try to think of positive things and things to be grateful for. So while I was pondering whether or not I pout or praise, the song Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans popped into my head. Very appropriate. :) So I've decided to "trade in my sorrows" and push through. The end of today is almost here.




Incidentally, the Snapple "Real Fact" #168 from my Snapple tea I'm drinking today says: "One brow wrinkle is the result of 200,000 frowns."
Can you believe that?! Well I guess that's just another reason to decide to remain positive. I'd much rather have wrinkles from smiling and laughing too much than from frowning! :)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Spring

As I've gotten older and experienced more winters in this dark/no-sun corner of the state, I've seen a pattern in my life and how I spend my time. When winter starts to set in and it gets darker sooner, I find that I have a harder time motivating myself to do indoor projects like cleaning, reorganizing, etc. All I want to do when I get home is read, veg-out, chat on the computer, and the list goes on. I HATE it because I feel like the world's laziest person ever but I can't seem to motivate myself enough to get up and do something about it. Then on Saturday or Sunday, I'm rushing around trying to clean the whole house. The older I've gotten, the worse it's become. And this winter has not been an exception. :(
But now "spring" is here, even though it is only 30-40 degrees. The sun is out longer, because of the time change, and when I get home late from work I'm not so tired (mainly b/c it is still sunny when I get home).
There seems to be a family predisposition to light sensitivity on my dad's side of the family. Basically what that means is that lack of sun and exposure to sun can lead to one being depressed or sluggish. I love the winter b/c with it brings birthdays, Christmas, New Years, and Nerdfest. But once February 1 hits, I'm ready for it to be over. I hate the dark and I feel sluggish and not myself.
Being in Florida last week was a welcome break. It was sunny and 82 degrees the whole time we were there. It was wonderful! It felt like summer and all the radio stations were playing "summer-ish" songs (upbeat songs that you can dance to and get you out of bed in the morning like Kanye West, Beyonce, Britney Spears) all the time.
Then we get back here and it's just pah... :(
But Florida helped me bounce back so I'm going to try to take some of this energy I've collected and use it to overhaul the upstairs. I know I've said that many times but I'm really going to do it today and no one can stop me. :)
I'm going to leave you with one of those Florida overplayed "summer songs". I'm sure by the end of this year the song will drive me nuts b/c all the dj's in this area will have overplayed it. But for now, I LOVE it. :)


Sunday, March 8, 2009

If you like pina coladas...

Day 3 in Florida, day 2 at the beach house in the keys. BEAUTIFUL!!! ;) Tomorrow will probably be shopping of some sort. Tuesday will dolphins and turtles (probably). We're going to Key West on Wed and after that I'm not so sure but totally loving this place. :) Creepy thing is.... Portuguese man of war wash up frequently on our beach. Scary uber bad jelly fish but they're easy to get rid of. There's coconut palms all over our property! :D So today we had fresh coconut. The 2 men in the household have become experts at getting the hard outermost shell of the coconut off. :)
All in all, great day at "home". :)

Friday, March 6, 2009

FLORIDA DAY 1 part 2: Let's go fly a kite

So the second part of the day was spent at the St Augustine beach. Our friends that we came with took their kids out to the shore line to play and collect shells, I walked the beach, and Chris just relaxed on the beach and watched everyone. It had been a very long day and we were all extremely tired. When I got back, another family a ways down from Chris had set up some large kites and had them flying. Watching kites and relaxing on the beach. A perfect way to end the day. :)

From Blogger Pictures


My husband and a kite. He is not flying them, a family next to us set up and flew the kites.
From Blogger Pictures


I will try to keep this updated as the vacation goes on. :) Hope you all are having a good weekend!

FLORIDA DAY 1: Sittin on the dock of the bay

Well we've made it. We're in Florida! :D Tomorrow we leave for the Florida Keys and spend the rest of the weekend and next week there. :)
We drove all night Thursday night and spent the rest of Friday in St. Augustine (the old/touristy town and the beach). The weather was BEAUTIFUL and although we're completely exhausted we've had a lot of fun.
This post is for my 2 work buddies b/c I left my last day of work before the vacation cheekly singing "Sittin on the dock of the bay...". So T and J this is for you. :) I did sit, on a cement walkway, near a bay? Okay... so it was the Atlantic ocean, but hey it doesn't really matter. :) I sat and wasted time. :)The picture below shows just this ;)

From Blogger Pictures


And here is a recording of this song for your viewing and listening pleasure. :)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

And the countdown begins

Going to warmth soon and I can't wait!!!! :D Here's a fun, peppy, little song for all you "listeners" out there. :)
I love this song. :) It reminds me of the movie 50 First Dates. (If you haven't watched it, you MUST rent it right away and watch it!) It also reminds me of warm, sunny, summer days. :) So as I close out my work day and the time for my vaca in warmth draws near... I will leave you all with this. :)

Friday, February 27, 2009

Life lesson via radio

So the past couple of weeks, months, etc have been interesting. Pretty much a total roller coaster ride starting in 2009. These past couple of weeks the roller coaster has pretty much been going down hill. And I haven't handled all of it in the best way.
I've tried and failed. Many times I just cried out in grief and frustration to God asking "Why me?". I've not been proud of the way I've handled these tough (for me) times. There are other people in the world going through so much worse than I am or ever have and their faith was strengthened by it. I've been a wimp, I'll admit it.
I just want for all this "bad stuff" to go away as fast as it can. I didn't want to wait any more for my prayers to be answered. I'm not proud of it but through most of the tough times, I've fought with God about my unresolved prayers instead of falling on my knees and praying to Him.
This morning I received an eye opener when I was listening to Scott and Kelly on Air1 (a Christian radio station) on my way into work. They played Barlow Girl's song "I believe in love". Although I've heard it before, listening to it this time really opened my eyes to the meaning of the song.

When I got into work I did a quick YouTube search for it and found a recorded video of them performing it at a concert. In the beginning of the video, they talk about their inspiration for this song and I got another eye opener.

We are like unrefined gold and God is the goldsmith. In order to make gold pure and valuable the unrefined material must be heated between 1,830°F and 2,010°F. The metals are separated through this and after a few more steps of fire and separation, the goldsmith has pure gold. When we go through trials and tribulations, things can get hot quick and life can be very uncomfortable. But we are in that fire because God is trying to refine us, to make us more pure. It is in our trials and tribulations where our character is formed where our relationship with the Lord becomes more pure. It is in these trials that we grow. Or at least it's supposed to be...
I've been through bad times before, many. In fact there is a whole year of my life where so many stressful and bad (at the time) things happened, that I don't even remember that year very well at all. And I think that for the most part, I did "good" I didn't struggle (much) and I was faithful in my devotions and walk with God.
But this time...
This time...
This time has been one of the toughest. I've been struggling with a desire/want that I hold very dear to my heart and I don't want to let it go. The more time passes and my prayers go unanswered, the deeper the hurt and pain. When I think of it, and all the time I've been struggling with it, it brings tears to my eyes. Lately, although I know I have many good friends out there praying for me, I've shed more tears over it than I have ever shed in my life.
I've been losing faith but I'm still struggling hard to hold on as best as I possibly can. I can't give up b/c that would cost me everything.

Lord will you please forgive me for holding on so tightly to the desires of my heart? I never thought that I would be tested about this for so long and I really don't know how much I can do. I know I can't and shouldn't fight you but it's become my defense mechanism. Please forgive me Lord for spending more time upset at you then running to you for comfort. You know the desire of my heart, You put it there. I pray Lord that you will answer this prayer. But I pray that it is done in your time. And if that means I have to wait another month, year, or 5 years please give me strength to be able to overcome it. I'm broken and I can't go on by myself anymore. I hurt too much to go at it alone.
Thank you so much for being a loving, caring and forgiving God. Please help me be a better Christian.

~Bethany

READERS: The video and lyrics are below. Please listen to the whole thing, if you can. The beginning of the video talks about their inspiration for the song and the lesson they learned from it. I also ask that you will please continue to keep me in your prayers. Thank you.



Barlow Girl - I Believe in Love

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, yeah
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe, I believe

Sunday, February 22, 2009



Lyrics are on the youtube page

Thursday, February 19, 2009

SLOW ME DOWN!!!!

So this week has been crazy busy! (More so at work than at home...) Just a very weird, chaotic, pretty much stressful week. So I think this song is very applicable for this week b/c I've totally felt like her. It's called Slow Me Down, by Emmy Rossum. And...
Thank you to my friends and family who've been there with me through the psycho-ness of this week. I couldn't have attempted to be able to finish it (the week) without you and your warm thoughts and words. :) Thank you so much. I love you all. ;)
I'm SO glad this week is almost over...

SKIP TO THE 35 SEC MARK B/C THE BEGINNING IS JUST ADVERTISING JUNK AND NOT THE ACTUAL SONG. (But it was the only embed able version I could find.)



Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere
My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart
Save me
Somebody take my hand, and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
'Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down
Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear
In the blur of fast forward I faulter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere
All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart
Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
'Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down
Just show me
I need you to slow me down
The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please
Slow me down

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Completely

I was asked to sing a special at church for Sunday morning service. I'm going to sing a song called completely by Ana Laura. It's about surrendering and giving everything up to God, which I've really been struggling with this year, especially when it comes to trying to conceive. So here's the song for you all to hear it. Ana Laura is performing it.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Yoga

So I've been taking Yoga classes now since mid-January and LOVE THEM!!!! It's a great way for me to go and destress and get all bendy. :) I always feel great when I'm done and I never want the class to end. My husband, on the other hand, does not share in my Yoga enthusiasm. Don't get me wrong, he's completely okay with me going but he has no desire to go and participate with me. Maybe he's not bendy enough? I don't know. :)
I don't always have the same teacher for every class and each teacher does different poses. Sometimes when I'm in class, I'm reminded of a stand-up act by Brian Regan. It's called Yoga Made Impossible. Very funny. Thought you might all enjoy it. :)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Tonight

To my One and Only... I love you so much. I'm so proud of you and all you do for this family. Thank you for being my anchor to hold onto when the winds of life try to blow me away.
I'll be thinking about you (and singing this song in my head) while I'm at work tonight. :) xoxo
~b



BE STILL by Schuyler Fisk
Hold my hand
My fingers are cold.
Don't say a word
Just hold me close.

Steetlight in through the curtains
Are just right,
So don't you move.
Tonight, tonight

Be Still
Be Still
Be Still
Be Still

I can't wait.
I think you wanna kiss me, and I
Won't look. Only listen.
The earth moves
And the ocean sways
Let the moon run out
If we could just stay
Tonight, tonight

Be Still
Be Still
Be Still
Be Still

'Cause even if I'm scared to fall
I'd rather love than loose it all
Then to never be loved..
I'd rather be loved.
Tonight, tonight

Be Still
Be Still
Be Still
Be Still

Be Still
Be Still
Be Still
Be Still (Don't You move)
Be Still (Don't You Move)

Be Still
Be Still

Monday, February 9, 2009

Cuore Assente

I love this song. If you, the reader, could actually read and understand the Italian lyrics and not listen to the song, you might ask: "Why in the world do you like this song? It's about a lost love." Well because I do. :) Yes it's about lost love/absent heart. But the song is not a sad sounding, depressed song. It is peppy and has a beat. It's a lost love but she's not going to cry and be sad about it, she's moved on. I have my one and only love right here and I am so blessed to be married to him. :)
BUT...
Back in the day, there were others and I experienced many a broken heart. So if you're still looking for your one and only this Valentine's Day week, take heart. Someday you will find each other and you will be stronger for dealing with all the frogs you met up with along the way.
AND...
Don't let the flirts, acting romantics, and players that you meet (and fall for) along the way get you down. If they can't respect you and appreciate you for who you are, drop em. It will be okay.
They are not the only fish in the sea. You can do much better than that. Because a guy like that doesn't deserve you.
When you get down, just sing the La La song. :)



Cuore Assente (The La La Song)
by Giusy Ferreri
E cerco le parole
Tra milioni di poesie ma
Trovo solamente il tuo cuore assente,
la la la.

Cè stato un tempo in cui ti dedicai
Tutta una vita intera di passione e di bugie
Che custodisco in queste lettere
Che leggerai attento senza mai comprendere
Chi non si pente ha un cuore assente
La la la.

Forse ho corso troppo forte in questa via
E sarò ingenua ma non credo sarà colpa mia
Se ho faticato lungo la salita
Cercando che la vita mi restasse amica e
Guardo il presente dal cuore assente
La la la..

Tu sei forte
Io debole
Sei distante
Sto con te
Non respiro
Tu non credi
Chiudo gli occhi e tu non vedi
Come sto e dove andrò
Lo sai tu
ma io no
Mentre forte mi nascondo
Fra la gente e il cuore assente
Tu vuoi capire queste parole
amore che muore
la la la..

Come sto e dove andrò
Lo sai tu
ma io no
Mentre forte mi nascondo
Fra la gente e il cuore assente
Tu vuoi capire queste parole
amore che muore

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Who now will sing me lullabies?

I can't keep doing this. It hurts too much and I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment. It only leads to heart break. :(



Who Will Sing Me Lullabies? by Kate Rusby

Lay me down gently, lay me down low,
I fear I am broken and won't mend, I know.
One thing I ask when the stars light the skies,
Who now will sing me lullabies,
Oh who now will sing me lullabies.

In this big world I'm lonely, for I am but small,
Oh angels in heaven, don't you care for me at all?
You heard my heart breaking for it rang through the skies,
So why don't you sing me lullabies,
Oh why don't you sing me lullabies.

I lay here; I'm weeping for the stars they have come,
I lay here not sleeping; now the long night has begun.
The man in the moon, oh he can't help but cry,
For there's no one to sing me lullabies,
Oh there's no one to sing me lullabies.

So lay me down gently, oh lay me down low,
I fear I am broken and won't mend, I know .
One thing I ask when the stars light the skies,
Who now will sing me lullabies,
Oh who now will sing me lullabies.

Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Where do I begin?

Hi all. Sorry I raised so much concern from my last post. I'm doing a bit better. Much of that last post stemmed from over exhaustion and stress. I've been going to sleep really early since then and trying to maintain a clear mind and positive attitude. My husband has been wonderful and supportive through all this. I'm very blessed to have a man like him.
Today I went to my yoga class which helped IMMENSELY. They played music by Hotel Costes during yoga. It's a mix of all different songs and kinds of music but with more of an electronic dance club feel. It was surprisingly very relaxing and nice. So I'm going to add one here for you all. It's called "Where do I begin" originally sung by Shirly Bassey but remixed for the Hotel Costes Vol 3 album.
Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Broken

I'm tired, I need to go to bed. But... I'm hurting so much right now. My heart is bleeding and I feel broken. Please, Please Lord. Why? Why? This isn't me and this isn't where I want to be. I want me back. Please, Please! When will this happen? I don't know if I can take any more. I hurt. I feel like I've been broken into a million pieces and all those pieces have been scattered everywhere. Right now it feels like they'll never be able to be put back together again. There's nothing more I can say now. You know how I'm feeling Lord and why. Please, Please, PLEASE Lord. Please. Why did you make me feel this way only to make me have to wait more? I'm so broken right now even I hardly recognize myself. please...




SURRENDER by Barlow Girl
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding Oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hand; can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me

Say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you
Will you take them
Away forever? Or can I dream again?

Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me

Falling

Oy... Long weekend and I'm exhausted. Nothing seems to be right and I'm just bleh... I can't think logically at all. All I want to do is climb in my bed and sleep away today and maybe tomorrow. :( Right now? Yup. I feel like I'm falling...



FALLING
by Kate Rusby

Ya hear me shout when no one's about,
You find me where I can't be seen.
I feel the air flowing for life's in full swing,
So tell me why I cannot breathe.

And here I am falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I'm standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren't for your wings I'd be gone.

Time moves on and time won't be long,
In time I will fear not the day.
I'm endlessly knowing that you'll never know
What I might want you to say.

And here I am falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I'm standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren't for your wings I'd be gone.

My back it aches, my body it breaks;
To grow my own wings I have tried.
And painless I came no aim must remain,
Alone and adrift on the tide

But here I'm still falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I'm standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren't for your wings I'd be gone.

And here I'm still falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I'm standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren't for your wings
If it weren't for your wings I'd be gone

Saturday, January 31, 2009

In love with my best friend

I know I've said this before but, I LOVE Sirius's Coffee Shop Acoustic radio station. I just heard a beautiful perfect song. It's called Lucky and sung by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat.
I'm very lucky I'm in love with my best friend, and everyday I love him a little more than the day before. :)
xoxo
~b

Friday, January 30, 2009

Morning Lullabies

So I woke up this morning happily content and all curled up next to my honey. I didn't want to get out of bed. I just wanted to lay there all morning with him, watching him sleep. But then the alarm went off again and rudely reminded me that I had to get ready for work. So I left him there, sleeping, on his own.
I'm tired. I wish I was back in bed right now with him.
I love you and I can't wait to spend this weekend with you, my love, my best friend, my husband.
xoxo
~b



Morning Lullabies by Ingrid Michaelson

yesterday
i woke up
with your head on my arm
my hand was numb
circulation gone
but i dared not move
the pretty sleeping one

the sun had painted
patterns on your face
as you breathe sunday air

rode on to my open arms
i became your pillow
you let me smooth your hair

i will sing you morning lullabies
you are beautiful, and peaceful this way

i know you have to close your eyes
on everyone, let me help you,
ill sing you to sleep
with morning lullabies

let me lie in the curve
of your body tonight
and i will hear you
tumble into sleep
i will watch you heal
i will watch you heal with me

i will sing you morning lullabies
you are beautiful, and peaceful this way
i know you have to close your eyes on everyone
let me help you, ill sing you to sleep
with morning lullabies

i know you have to close your eyes on everyone
let me help you
ill sing you to sleep
with morning lullabye..bye baby

close your eyes
and i will sing you
morning lullabies

Thursday, January 29, 2009

25 Random Things

Hi all! So I was tagged on my facebook page to write a note containing 25 random things about myself. It was hard but fun and I thought you all in blog world might want to read some of it someday when you get bored and you have nothing else to do. (It is pretty long.) So here you go. If you decide to do this too email or tag me so I can read it. :)

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. English was not my first language. Although both my parents were born and raised in America, my first language was Italian. My parents and I moved to Italy when I was 11 months old and we lived there for about 4 ½ years. While my parents were away doing mission work and also attending Italian language school, I would spend the day with my babysitter and her family. They spoke mostly Italian and very little English. So I grew up hearing Italian and speaking Italian more than English. Since moving back to the US I’ve forgotten most of my Italian b/c I’m surrounded by English, but I hope to be fluent in it again someday.

2. I can pee standing up. (Not all toilets in Italy were like the standard toilets we have here in the US 20+ years ago when I lived there. Some places just had a porcelain hole in the ground with ridges in the porcelain on the sides of the hole where you were supposed to put your feet. During my potty training years it was not uncommon for me to be out and about in town and have to use one of those.)

3. I used to want to be a comedian when I was a kid, but the best joke I could come up with was the “Knock Knock, Boo Who? joke”.

4. One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my sisters and I would get our baths on Saturday or Sunday evening and then sit on the floor eating pb&j sandwiches while our parents brushed out our hair. During then the tv was on and we would watch: The Lawrence Welk show, Hee Haw, or America’s Funniest Home Videos. True family bonding moments. :D

5. My husband once said to me: “Bethany, I love you, but… Sometimes I think that your heart gets so big it cuts off the circulation to your brain.” And I didn’t get mad at him. Instead, I laughed because it’s true. I’ve always been an overly empathetic person. That’s one reason I don’t like altar calls at church b/c they always make me cry when I see people go up.

6. My quiet husband was the one who first introduced himself to me when I first moved to NE Ohio, and then I avoided him for 3 months. Whenever I complained to my best friend in NW Ohio that I couldn’t find a good, close friend here like her, his name kept popping up in my head and wouldn’t go away. When I did finally talk to him, I found out we had a lot in common and 6 years later we were married.

7. In 2008 I realized that there is a lot of random stuff that take for granted/consider normal, while the majority of my friends haven’t ever seen or experienced said random stuff. I went to Maine to visit my family this summer and many people in southern Maine (especially in the mountains) have old stone fences (just flat stone on top of each other no mortar or cement to hold them together) surrounding their property and little areas in their property. (Most of them are family burial plots, but the empty fenced in areas were created for people to put random wondering livestock in until the farmer realized the livestock was missing and came to find them.)

8. I found out a few years ago that I’m not of mostly English decent like I was told growing up. Actually, the head matriarch and patriarch of my father’s family were from Scotland and Ireland. There is some English mixed in further down the family tree but mostly Scottish and Irish. And to think, all these years I was slightly jealous of people with Irish decent on St. Patrick’s day for nothing. I had Irish in me the whole time.

9. I’m a coffee snob. I only like espresso, cappuccino, any mocha, and other things one would make on their Rancillo or find in a Starbucks. I don’t like regular coffee. Sorry… It’s ucky.

10. I’m learning to sew and I sometimes knit. (Little by little I’m getting closer and closer to being more domestimicated. Yes I spelt it wrong on purpose.)

11. When I was a kid I never understood why my mom hated and was so scared of mice. Now that I own my own old home I understand.

12. I have Spina Bifida Occulta. Because of this and a sketchy family history of Spina Bifida, I have to take 10 times the daily recommended dosage of Folic acid to help prevent neural tube birth defects should I get pregnant. (For those curious: The normal recommended amount of folic acid a woman should have is 400 micrograms. I take 4 milligrams.)

13. I once had a crush on a guy friend of mine for almost 4 years when I was in jr.high and high school. I never told him until a friend of mine spilled the beans to him. It never worked out though. He had a girlfriend at the time and a year later my dad got a job at another church and my family and I had to move to the other side of the state.

14. I have a “J-lo butt” and because of it, I’ve been hit on at: a funeral home (true story), on a construction site at my place of employment, walking outside (A guy actually followed me in his truck while I was walking back to my car, in broad daylight, saying all kinds of things I won’t repeat. Scary!), in a bank parking lot, at Burger King, on my way into the apartment I lived at AND once it was so bad I had a stalker (very true story). Creeps me out!

15. I’m a random person but I’m having a hard time coming up with 25 random things.

16. I would like to have a bigger house and hate being reminded of how small it is every time people are over (Not that they say anything, but when it’s crowded, it’s very obvious how small it is).

17. When we have children, I want to be a stay at home mom (at least until they’re in school).

18. I would like to get Suzy (our newf mix) a friend or two. (She seems lonely.) If I could, I would adopt an Irish Wolfhound and a Great Dane to add to our family. BUT, one of us would have to be home more to be able to give them the training and attention they’d need AND our house right now is too small to house 2 adults and 3 large breed dogs.

19. I love Jane Austen’s works and the Colin Firth/BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. I hated the Keira Knightley Pride and Prejudice move version.

20. The only game system I had growing up was an Atari and that was because it was given to my family. I’ve been very slow in developing any “gamer skills” and they’re still a long way off. (It’s a long road but I’m actually finally getting past level one of the classic Mario game on the Nintendo DS.)

21. Speaking of games… I’m married to the 1992 Ashtabula Tetris Champion. :D

22. I want to go to Hawaii, especially Maui. But if I go, I want to avoid the touristy places like the plague. Instead I want to spend time getting to know the people that live there and hang out with the locals. Then I will have truly felt like I’ve experienced the real Hawaii.

23. I love my dog Suzy. Sometimes we fall asleep on the couch together. It’s like sleeping with one of those giant oversized stuffed animals your boyfriend wins for you at the fair. Only, this one is alive.

24. There are days where my brain is in overload and I just want to run away from everything and almost everyone. When this happens, I like to picture myself somewhere on a remote fishermen’s island off the coast of Nova Scotia or Ireland. I’m sitting on a rocking chair, on my porch at my big New England style victorian/colonial home, wrapped up in a grey fishermen’s style sweater and watching the grey sky and waves crash over the rocky break wall.

25. I have a blog called Song Mistress. My posts consist of songs and thoughts and life. If you’re looking for some music ideas go to http://betaniagioia.blogspot.com A lot of it is folksy but there is the occasional rock and pop song on there too.

For you



A Bird's Song
by Ingrid Michaelson

When I would play my song
You used to sing along.
I always seem to forget
How fragile are the very strong.
I'm sorry I can't steal you
I'm sorry I can't stay
So I put band-aids on your knees
And watch you fly away

I'm sending you away tonight
I'll put you on a bird's strong wing
I'm saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing

You know we're not so far away
Get on a boat, get on a train
And if you ever think you're drowning
I'll try to slow the rain
In two years or so
Drop me a line
Write me a letter
I hope to find you're doing better, better than today, better everyday

I'm sending you away tonight
I'll put you on a bird's strong wing
I'm saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing
I'm saving you the only way that I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing
I hope again one day to see you bring your smile back around again

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dante's Prayer

So I was looking at the obits section in the local paper and saw that a recent graduate from the university I work at passed away. I was shocked.
She was a very kind and sweet girl and I had gotten to know her a little bit b/c she was in the library often getting articles for her class, doing research, or studying. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family. She will be greatly missed.
Two weeks earlier to the day, the dean of the university I work at lost her son-in-law to leukemia. He was a young, healthy football coach for one of the local high schools when he was diagnosed with leukemia. He fought a long, courageous battle and passed away on the 10th surrounded by his family and friends.

So why this sad news and death talk on a blog about music? Well...
While I was driving to work and listening to my ipod this morning, Dante's Prayer came on by Loreena McKennitt. Although the song was inspired by Dante's Divine Comedy, the lyrics always sounded to me as though it was either a song sung to (or sung by) someone who had left or passed away.
And so, I would like to leave you with Dante's Prayer by Loreena McKennitt, in memory of Cary, John and all other loved ones who have gone on before us. My thoughts, prayers, and warm wishes go out to you all.



Dante's Prayer
Words and music by Loreena McKennitt

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Please remember me

Friday, January 23, 2009

I had a dream

This song needs no explanation really. Priscilla Ahn is singing my thoughts of the past, present, and future. Maybe this will help you to know me better. :)



I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream