Relationships, boys, and finally meeting my husband :)

Right now, I'm listening to my Myspace music playlist. There are a lot of good songs on there, most by non-mainstream artists. My favorite song on there so far is Hummingbird by Kris Delmhorst.
It's about a person who secretly loves another but is too shy to show it or act themselves around that person. It reminds me of being in school and having a crush on a guy but being too afraid to tell him how you feel.

Once upon a time...
There was this guy when I was in high school, in my church youth group, who was a buddy of mine. I had had a crush on him for 4 years, but was too afraid to say anything to him. 4 years of not ever saying anything that would give away my true feelings about him. 4 years of just acting like his buddy. It finally got to the point where my youth pastor and my youth group friends threatened to tell him I liked him if I didn't say anything soon. But I came from the belief that the guy is to make the first move, not the girl. So I just went on playing the role of his buddy, while secretly wishing he'd ask me out.
My best friend and I used to dissect every little conversation, glance, and interaction he'd have with me to try and figure out if he liked me for more than a friend. OY! Young love... It seems so silly when I think back about it. :)

Finally, during a youth over-nighter event of laser tag, air hockey, basketball, video games, and pool, I was faced with an ultimatum: Tell R. or else one of my friends or youth pastor was going to spill the beans. I think I was just over 16 at the time and was old enough to date according to my parents rules.
But I couldn't tell him. I was too shy to say anything and too afraid b/c I didn't want to get my heart broken. It was safer for me to admire him from a distance than it was for me actually admit it. So I said nothing.

My best friend's boyfriend finally spilt the beans to R. when they were alone and R. didn't believe him! When J told R that I had had a crush on him he wouldn't believe it and especially when he told him I had liked R for 4 years. After that it was awkward, unfortunately. R had been dating someone else at the time when he found out I liked him and didn't really talk to me the rest of the night. It was agonizing for me. I didn't know what he was thinking and I was afraid of losing my friend. I don't remember if we ever talked about that night again. I don't think we did. But we did eventually return to being just friends.
I think part of the reason our friendship lasted was by that by that summer I'd given up trying to have a boyfriend. I had other things I wanted to pursue in my life and trying to find and attain a boyfriend took up too much energy. Besides, right after I turned 17 my family ended up moving to the other side of the state, hours away from R and my friends. So I had to start all over again.

It was so bizarre. I went from always feeling like the ugly duckling at my old school (where my classmates and I had been in the same classes together from Kindergarten on up) to being the "new girl" at a high school who's population was more than double the population of my old high school.

I had a lot of guy friends almost instantly. I'm pretty sure that was only b/c they knew upfront that absolutely NOTHING romantic would happen b/n me and them b/c I had sworn off dating. :) I was "safe" like Switzerland and we could just be ourselves with each other. There was no high school against or teenage drama. I wasn't going to waste my time with it. :)
SO...
When I met my husband (before he was my husband, of course) I wasn't too shy to act like myself around him. We met at church and he went to a different high school than me. I had made it very clear to him, that I ONLY wanted to be his friend, so don't even think about trying to date me.
Well obviously that didn't last. :) As I got to know him, I realized that he was it. He was the first guy that I had actually struggled to try to maintain the "no dating" rule with. I would have dreams that we were dating or married. I couldn't get him out of my head.

When I finally came to the realization that I couldn't dismiss C as just another guy friend, I all the sudden became self conscious. We were dating with the intention that someday it could lead to marriage. But I was too shy to sing around him, or touch him/stand too close to him, and be TOTALLY crazy and goofy around him (like I had been when we were just buddies). I didn't want to lose him or turn him off by doing something stupid.

The self consciousness Kris Delmhorst sings about in Hummingbird had come full circle for me.

I had started out as:
a young, self conscious, lowered self esteem girl with a crush on a guy
To a:
"No one can stop me", "I don't need a relationship to make me someone", high self esteem young woman
Back to a:
self conscious, "I don't want to look like a fool and lose him" girl
So I guess in a way I was like the singer in Hummingbird. Don't worry though, I did grow out of it. :)
Almost 7 years after we had first gone to a youth event together as friends, Chris, my best guy friend, and I got married. I love him so much and am amazed at the way God has blessed my life by giving him to me. :)

So what happened to R you may ask?
Well, we kept in touch, occasionally, after I had moved. One time, not too long after Chris and I had started hanging out, but before we started dating, I went back to the other side of the state to visit R and some of our friends from youth group. My best girl friend and her boyfriend at the time, (J (the one who spilled the beans to R about me liking him)) and R and I went out to eat. We had fun but, I realized that I didn't really feel the same way about R that I had almost 2 years prior. In fact, I couldn't stop thinking about Chris that whole time. (Sorry R.)
After that my grandparents told me that he had gotten married a year or so before Chris and I did to a nice girl I think he'd met at college. I haven't really heard from or seen him since I graduated from high school. I found him on myspace but it's an inactive account. I hope he's happy, though and I wish the best for him and his wife.